Imagine a frightened little girl who is locked inside of a closet as a child, being punished for whatever it was that she may or may not have done wrong. Shes screaming, stuck inside this closet for days on end with light switches that dont produce light, no food, no water, no where to relieve herself if need be. She grows into an adult and finally moves away from the horrid people she called Mommy and Daddy. She goes through life with extreme psychological issues...in and out of mental institutions and hospitals along the way.
By the time she becomes an elderly woman, she is diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease. She is placed in a care facility with a more then nice room and all the amenities that she would need...her very own bathroom, cozy bed, window that overlooks the grand mountains of the northeast. She sits and stares...she is lonely, exhausted and her mind is a never ending abyss of bad memories. She rings her call bell because its too dark in the middle of the day...her light switches arent working, she claims. She makes a mess of her bathroom because she believes her toilet lid is chained shut. The door to her room is constantly "locked", though we show her it is clearly a door that opens and closes as she pleases.
I go to check on her the other day and feel as though I have walked into a nightmare, a scene from a horror movie. I enter her room to find a sick little old woman digging a hole to china in her walls with only her fingernails...She is crying and mumbling under her breath. She is scratching away the paint and plaster as though she was trying to escape from something. I approach her slowly, not knowing how close to get...I do not want to startle her as she could become combative. I whisper her name and she turns to look at me with bloodshot eyes and bleeding hands.
I look deep into those eyes as she is huffing and puffing away, staring blankly into my face with shame, confusion...And then she is crying in my shoulder, Im holding her telling her it will be ok...Im not sure if she hears me, or at least understands but it was a moment where time had stopped and it was just her and I. A young woman trying to comfort an elderly woman. Its funny how the tables can sometimes turn...
10mgs of Haldol later...she is resting comfortably and quietly in the nurses member services station. She has her hands on a paper towel, I have washed the blood from them and trimmed down what was left of her nails and painted them a neutral orangish brown color. She cant thank me enough. And by the time it is time for my shift to come to an end, her blue eyes fill up with tears again and she asks me why I have to go. Assuring that I will be back tomorrow, I kiss her cool chick and walk out of the office. I dont think I could handle looking back at her...One more person who walked out on her. But I will return, always do...
As hard as this job is, I will always come back for more. Because it is a lesson in itself and one that I love despite the heartache it may bring. It teaches, it taunts and it haunts. But its devastatingly beautiful as I like to call it...And theirs one thing I know for sure...No matter what kind of background that any of my residents will ever had had, no matter what they have been through, I will try my damnedest to make sure they are NEVER left in the dark, never left hungry, never left lonely or go without the things they need to be happy. I will see to it that they live out their last years the happiest that they could be with everything I can give them.
And THAT is COMPASSION.
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